World Suicide Prevention Day ‘26
It’s taken this annual global suicide awareness day to encourage me to write a blog post again. It’s been far too long since I last wrote anything here.
The call to action for this year’s World Suicide Prevention Day is “Start The Conversation”. I am hugely encouraged to see on my various social media feeds how people are sharing the message, it is necessary to talk openly about suicide, to encourage those who suffer to speak out and seek help and for everyone to be compassionate.
I am a suicide attempt survivor. In 2019 I leapt from the Isle of Mull ferry into the sea. I was fortunate to be rescued, barely conscious and severely hypothermic. Months of care on a psychiatric ward followed and my recovery was steady. Depression remained with me and 2024 saw me hospitalised again for the summer. Since then, I have remained a good many paces ahead of severe depression but thoughts and desires for my suicide grip me from time to time.
In past years I wrote and shared openly about my life with depression and suicidal thinking. Since my separation and subsequent divorce from a twenty year marriage in late 2024, I have kept a relatively low profile. Indeed, I found it easier to withdraw and only share a safely banal version of myself. I didn’t want to draw too much attention.
I am not struggling with depression at the moment and indeed, I am pleased I have kept myself well for the last eighteen months. There has been a huge amount of good ‘stuff’ happening in my life lately. I am now living in an idyllic location on the Isle of Skye - the place where I have finally found my forever home. As a man who has been a rolling stone all his life, this is an important and positive development. My partner Kerry and I are deeply happy. Genuine and unconditional love DOES exist! I am physically healthy and I am in my early sixties with a physical zest for adventure and active living, which I am eternally grateful for.
Yet…
Despite the good in my life, there are times when experience long periods of deep self-doubt, strong self-loathing, and extreme self-recrimination. I ruminate. Unbidden, memories will flood my thoughts with wrongs I have committed through out my life. I could be in the most wonderful place, enjoying a lovely conversation or simply enjoying doing something totally unrelated and a memory of a wrong I committed will flood my mind. In an instant I believe I’m being reminded of what an awful, waste of space, shitty, and completely useless burden I am. Unchecked, this chain of thoughts can lead to me concluding there is no point in me continuing to live. I go on to think it would be better for all if I were to die.
I have described rather simplistically what occurs. However, the thoughts of completing my suicide are real for me.
Thankfully, I am self-aware enough to know these thoughts are just what they are - thoughts. They are not reality. However, I also know I have to address them and not bury them away. This only serves in them festering and gaining traction, to the point where I begin to believe their veracity. This leads to a dangerous belief in the validity of completing my suicide. I fear this occurring, because I know I have it within me to face my death with calm determination and without fear. I experienced both of these the moment I stood on the deck edge of the ferry, while the sea churned far below me.
When faced with these thoughts, I speak to my Kerry, who in turn, listens to what I have to say. She listens with courage, openness, no judgement, warm compassion and with all her unconditional love for me. Being able to voice my pain in this way with her, is like lancing a boil. My anguish will almost immediately dissipate and relief will infuse, like a warm glow. There is often a period afterwards, where I will feel vulnerable and a sense of silliness for being ‘over dramatic’. I cannot overstate how important it is for me to have Kerry close by my side, willing to hear me express whatever pain I’m experiencing and not have her attempt to ‘mend’ me. She understands I need to talk and more importantly - be heard.
Returning to the theme for this year’s World Suicide Prevention Day - “Start The Conversation” - I will offer my thoughts on how this may be supported and achieved.
As important as it is for those struggling with thoughts of suicide to speak, it is equally important for us to listen.
To feel comfortable to speak about suicidal thinking, I need to know I will not be judged. I will not be thought of as weak willed or weak of mind. I will not be thought of as being dramatic and attention seeking.
To speak about my suicidal thoughts, I am not asking to be mended or even seeking a solution. I’m asking to be heard.
In talking about my suicidal thoughts, I am not asking for an emergency intervention. I will know if I am in dangerously close to acting on my thoughts and in my case, I know I will state this if this is true. Really, in speaking about my suicidal thinking, I am preventing an escalation of my emotions and destructive thinking.
To speak openly about my suicidal thoughts, I am opening a dialogue which will lead to deeper understanding and intimacy. It is often through difficulty we find ourselves reaching closer depths with others. These conversations are about difficult subjects, but having them without judgement and with compassion, lead to closeness.
Finally, I want to reiterate - I am okay! I live with low esteem and little self-belief, but I am okay. As I grow into my sixties, I am determining my path for this decade of my life. I continue to seek meaning through much of what I do and experience, especially adventuring in the outdoors. What I know is, I have a lifetime of lived experience which has endowed me with considerable wisdom. It is my hope I can share this for anyone who wants to hear me.
Thank you as always for your interest, your support and your love.
